Once I gave myself permission to open my mouth, the stories came faster than I could type. I’d read that writing memories longhand accesses detail and emotion far better than typing, so I wrote and doodled and drew lines between places we moved and the bad guys who came with us.
Bridey Thelen-Heidel
The Back Flap
Fans of Jennette McCurdy’s I’m Glad My Mom Died will root for Bridey Thelen-Heidel as she struggles to unshackle herself from her mother’s chaos in this triumphant debut memoir.
Bridey is tethered to her mom’s addiction to dangerous men who park their Harley-Davidsons in the house and kick holes in all their doors. Raised to be her mother’s keeper, rescuer, and punching bag, Bridey gets used to stuffing her life into black trash bags, hauling them between Alaska and California, and changing schools every time her mom moves in a new monster–or runs away from one. Desperately seeking the normal life she’s observed in sitcoms and her friends’ families, Bridey earns her way into a fancy, private college, where she tries to forget who she is–until her mom calls with a threat that drops Bridey to her knees. Watching doctors and police interrogate her mother at the hospital, Bridey realizes her mom has become a monster herself . . . and she doesn’t want to be saved. But Bridey does.
Bright Eyes is about the indomitable spirit of a young girl forced to be brave, required to be resilient, and conditioned to be optimistic, and how she ultimately uses the same traits that helped her to survive her mother’s chaos to create her own happily-ever-after.
About the book
What is the book about?
Bright Eyes-A Memoir is about being tethered to my mother’s chaos—a woman addicted to dangerous men and their drugs—and the almost deadly consequences I faced rescuing her from these men—and from herself. It’s about growing up in a world so unimaginably cruel and unpredictable that my tiny body developed its own strategies to stay alive—disorders that made me believe my life was a movie and that I could fly; disorders that took my breath and voice away; and disorders that made me hate myself, body and soul.
But it’s also about how I—like many other children growing up in violent homes—used the hard-earned and hard-learned strengths that were needed to survive—the bravery, optimism, and resilience—to eventually sever all ties to my narcisstic, abusive mother. Essentially, I had to bury her alive to trick myself into believing she was gone for good because this was the only way to break my addiction to rescuing her. Even though I knew everything would fall apart when I left—and it did–going “no contact” was the only way to stop the generational patterns of abuse and trauma in my family and to create a happy and loving life for myself.
Bright Eyes is not just about what happened and how I survived; it’s about why we stay too long because of the myth of “family.” It’s also about how we forgive, who we forgive, and who we decide doesn’t deserve it. In the end, Bright Eyes-A Memoir is about believing we are worth more than the story we’ve been written into making our wildest dreams come true!
When did you start writing the book?
I’ve been writing the book since I was little—jotting down frustrations and confusions in diaries and journals because it was the only place where I could share all the secrets I was forced to keep. But the actual start to Bright Eyes-A Memoir was at 5am on September 14, 2019—the day after I went on stage with Duran Duran! The way it unfolded in front of my community—after a very public failed attempt on the Ellen DeGeneres Show—felt like the perfect reason to finally begin writing down all the lifetime of stories that led to that epic night!
How long did it take you to write it?
With developmental and copy edits, it took four years almost exactly to submit the final draft to the publisher. I’m a full-time English teacher, so I usually wrote from 4am to 6:30am every morning, several hours after school, and then ten or more hours every weekend. I’d never written much before, so it was a slow process that involved two writing groups and several friends who gave invaluable constructive criticism.
Where did you get the idea from?
After reading Dorothy Allison’s Bastard Out of Carolina—even though a fictionalized account of her childhood—I realized there was a space for stories like mine. When Jeanette Walls published The Glass Castle, I actually gave it to my then ten-year-old daughter as a way to explain why I’d never let her meet my mother. These women were telling vulnerable stories and terrible truths their families probably didn’t want told because keeping secrets is the legacy of dysfunctional families: We’re conditioned to stay loyal to the monsters, sacrificing our own health, sanity, and confidence, because the myth of “family” keeps us tethered to rescuing them from their own choices.
Were there any parts of the book where you struggled?
Absolutely. Writing our way into, through, and out of trauma requires us to remember the pain we numbed ourselves to—excavating emotions buried deep and facing ugly truths I’d been lying to myself about for years.
I’d also spent decades dealing with repressed trauma, the kind that hides in your guts and causes illness and disease. We now call this Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), but twenty years ago, it didn’t have a name—just symptoms without explanation that eventually landed me in the hospital several times. Fortunately, an acupuncturist finally asked the right question: “Have you experienced much trauma in your life?” His question opened the floodgates—unleashing realizations I wrote down just to burn in my fireplace. Exorcising these memories up and out of my body and writing them down healed parts of myself I didn’t even know were wounded. I recommend it—without reservation but maybe with a therapist.
Sharing my stories with my writing groups was also challenging because I’m a teacher who has positioned myself in my community as someone who is always upbeat and positive—totally opposite to the dark and disturbing pages I handed over.
What came easily?
Once I gave myself permission to open my mouth, the stories came faster than I could type. I’d read that writing memories longhand accesses detail and emotion far better than typing, so I wrote and doodled and drew lines between places we moved and the bad guys who came with us. I made long lists of how the bad guys smelled, the songs they listened to, the street names of homes they destroyed, and all the insults hurled at me that still whispered in my ear when I let my guard down and brought the past into the present.
Are your characters entirely fictitious or have you borrowed from real world people you know?
Everyone in my story is someone who was part of my journey; unfortunately, all the monsters are real people, although their names are changed—unless they’re dead.
We all know how important it is for writers to read. Are there any particular authors that have influenced how you write and, if so, how have they influenced you?
The raw brutality Bone faces in Dorothy Allison’s Bastard Out of Carolina was nothing I’d ever read before, and The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls showed the truth about the choices foisted on children who grow up in poverty and dysfunction. Those authors opened a door for me to walk through and inspired me to share my story with the hope it’ll do the same for others who’ve been waiting on the other side of their own locked doors.
Do you have a target reader?
My target reader is someone who has stories burning in their belly and needs permission to tell them. For those who grew up in abusive homes, our abusers had control over what we said and didn’t say. I hope Bright Eyes finds those children who are all grown now and inspires them to speak up, speak out, and speak against the people who forced their silence. My dream is to also for the memoir to be a resource for people who work with youth—educators, counselors, therapists, advocates—giving them insight into what children who present as well as I did might be hiding. My ideal reader is also anyone who can relate to staying too long in abusive, codependent relationships with family and wants to read HOW I left, HOW I stayed gone, HOW I healed, and HOW I loved on and lived happily, ever after.
About Writing
Do you have a writing process? If so can you please describe it?
Because I teach full time, I scheduled myself to write from 4am-6:30am every morning when the house was quiet because I needed to be alone to exorcise the stories I’d been hiding, even from myself, for decades. Each morning began with a strong pot of coffee in my French press, a lit candle, a few minutes of meditation to clear my mind, and then writing.
The early process began with chapter titles that came quickly, followed by lists of details—every person, sound, smell, and seemingly insignificant detail I could remember. Those lists became sentences that turned into paragraphs and then into chapters.
Do you outline? If so, do you do so extensively or just chapter headings and a couple of sentences?
After writing down a couple dozen scenes and their details, I then tried to figure out the “shape” of the narrative—although a memoir doesn’t plot exactly like fiction, in my experience. I ended with a story in four parts that bounced back and forth in time and place. My developmental editor suggested fewer parts and a more linear telling. It was money well spent because the story was much stronger once I simplied the structure.
I do think outlines are important—even if they’re not done at the start of the writing—because they help you to see where your story rises, twists, turns, falls, and eventually ends.
Do you edit as you go or wait until you’ve finished?
I wish—with all my heart—that I could write a draft from start to finish without obsessing over every verb, but I can’t. It might come from years of teaching English Lit and Comp and all the editing that comes with the job. I can’t even count the number of red pens that I went through! Sometimes, it took me all day to write a couple of paragraphs. Of course, I edited them again the next day.
Did you hire a professional editor?
Before I knew where my book would be published or even what a developmental edit was, I hired an author I really admired–Alice Anderson, Some Bright Morning, I’ll Fly Away—to read my manuscript. It was the best money I’ve ever spent because she saw issues I never would have, and her positive feedback gave me the confidence I needed to keep going. After signing with SheWrites Press, I hired a former English department colleague to do a copy edit. Also money well spent because even though I am an English teacher, she found errors I missed and helped me to clarify my POV.
Do you listen to music while you write? If yes, what gets the fingers tapping?
Both Mary Karr in Art of Memoir and Anne Lamott in Bird by Bird gave the same advice about establishing a non-negotiable writing routine, and mine included instrumental versions of songs that I knew would trigger tough memories—Fleetwood Mac, Duran Duran, Billie Holiday, the Cabaret Soundtrack, and basically any classic rock song from the 80’s. Those songs pulled me by the collar right back to the living room, bedroom, beach, porch, and hospital ward where I relived the smells, sounds, and feelings needed for the page.
About Publishing
Did you submit your work to Agents?
I queried about forty agents over the course of six months and found the entire process to be humbling, deflating, and frustrating because while most agents ghost you when they’re not interested, some are kind enough to write you back but really just to tell you that they love your writing and your story, but you’re not famous enough for them to sell your memoir.
What made you decide to go Indie, whether self-publishing or with an indie publisher? Was it a particular event or a gradual process?
Before discovering Brooke Warner and SheWrites Press at the San Francisco Writers’ Conference, I’d never heard of hybrid publishing; fortunately, the conference fee included pitching an agent or indie publisher, and Brooke was on the list. After researching her and watching her TEDx Talk “Green-Light Revolution: Your Creative Life on Your Terms,”
I scheduled my pitch. Hybrid publishing turned out to be exactly what I was looking for because I retained enough control of the process but was able to turn over details that would’ve taken me too long to learn. I also lucked into an amazing distribution deal between SheWrites Press and Simon & Schuster that wouldn’t have been available if I’d gone a different route. I am financially invested in publishing my memoir and feel grateful I have the money to do so, but hybrid also offers a higher royalty percentage than traditional publishing.
Did you get your book cover professionally done or did you do it yourself?
Part of the publishing package with SheWrites Press includes cover and layout design by professionals who are top in their field. I’m thrilled with the artwork and design of the cover and was blown away when I first saw the layout because it matched the mood of my story better than I could’ve ever imagined—from the cursive writing that starts each chapter to the table of contents—everything feels like my voice.
Do you have a marketing plan for the book or are you just winging it?
Once I decided to go with SheWrites Press, I took their advice and hired a publicist. It was another investment in Bright Eyes-A Memoir, but I wanted to give the story the chance to reach more people who are recovering from traumatic, abusive childhoods or trying to go “no contact” and wondering how to do it. In addition to the incredible marketing Layne Mandros at Books Forward is doing on my behalf, I spend hours each day building my author platform, which includes a website, a blog I started writing two years before any plan to publish (more great advice from my development editor), and developing relationships with writers, bookstores, and people who grew up in environments like mine.
Any advice that you would like to give to other newbies considering becoming Indie authors?
If you have a story to tell, then tell it. Don’t wait until you have time, have stronger writing skills, or even a clue about what you’re doing. It will all happen once you start: You’ll make time, you’ll become a better writer with every chapter, and the narrative arc will come together—and change several times before you’re done. Also, it’s never too early to find a writing group. Since COVID, many now meet online, so you can find a group pretty easily. Don’t worry about submitting anything for a while; just show up and read others’ work, listen to the feedback, and think about how you might incorporate it into your own writing. Then, before you submit your work, it’s crucial that you make the decision to be coachable, so that you’ll be receptive to the very important and necessary constructive criticism that will make your story better.
About You
Where did you grow up?
I changed schools more than twenty times before graduating from high school because we moved anytime my mother moved in another monster—or we ran away from one. We lived up and down the west coast of the US—from Alaska to California to a remote town in the middle-of-nowhere, Nevada where my sophomore class only had six kids in it—and I still made the JV squads in both basketball and cheerleading because I was such a terrible athlete!
Where do you live now?
I live and teach in South Lake Tahoe, California, one of the towns where I grew up. Although I never wanted to come back here after graduating high school, the universe had other plans. I found myself back here in my early twenties and have lived here since with my husband and daughter. Being a teacher and raising our daughter here has healed a lot of old wounds. I can now actually drive by my old houses and am not stuck in memories from the past.
What would you like readers to know about you?
I would love readers to know that those of us who write memoir really appreciate hearing when our stories connect with others because it reminds us that our experience isn’t as unique—or weird, odd, out of the ordinary—as we probably grew up thinking it was. For me, it’s sad but also comforting to know that while I was hiding under my bed from the monsters on the other side of the door, there was an army of other kids doing the same. We were being brave together and one day would share our stories with each other.
I’d also like anyone thinking about writing down their story to know that those of us who’ve gotten all the way across the finish line to actually publishing our books started the same way: a story burning in our belly, a ton of insecurity about what others will think, fear that our skills aren’t good enough, and an insane little voice from somewhere deep inside telling us we might actually be able to pull it off!
What are you working on now?
In addition to writing pieces to accompany my memoir, Bright Eyes, and the TEDx I recently gave, “ROB the Trauma: Steal Back Your Life,” I’ve been developing a series of children’s books based on myself as a quirky young girl who was struggling to make sense of the chaos around her. As a result of growing up in the chaos I did, I parented myself and developed several disorders to survive it all. With my Irish Setter as my closest confidante, I thought it might be interesting to explore the stories in my memoir from that perspective—kind of a Junie B Jones meets Pippi Longstocking!
End of Interview:
For more from Bridey Thelen-Heidel visit her website and follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.