In writing memoir, I think the hardest part for women is writing about their children. Specifically, how their children are impacted by their choices.
Marina DelVecchio – 16 July 2024
The Back Flap
Unsexed examines the role that sex plays in the life of one woman with two mothers who introduce her to polarized frameworks of female sexuality.
Born in Greece to a violent prostitute and then adopted by a cold and unloving virgin from New York, Marina inherits a sexual identity steeped in fear and shame—one that, as she grows older and becomes a wife and mother, trickles into her marriage and the parenting of her children. Without the tools needed to understand her complex mothers or to unpack the lessons they taught her, Marina relies on self-erasure to survive relationships that silence and define her—until she finally becomes fed up with those old patterns and begins to stand in her own power.
A memoir that unearths the layered emotional and sexual lives of women and exemplifies the satisfaction that comes when they assert their voices and power, Unsexed speaks to millions of women who have different narratives but face similar struggles in reclaiming their voices, bodies, and sexuality.
About the book
What is the book about?
Unsexed is a memoir that chronicles one woman’s relationship with her body and sexuality as she attempts to understand the politics of trauma and how it has inscribed itself onto her body. It’s also about generational abuse and how it manifests in women’s bodies.
When did you start writing the book?
I began writing this memoir during the pandemic. I found a women’s writing organization and we met via Zoom every day for two hours. I made sure to write every day through the support of the women in this group who were writing alongside me.
How long did it take you to write it?
It took me a year to write, but then I had to put it aside for a while. Writing this book allowed me to see that I was in a very abusive marriage and that this abuse was trickling down into the lives of my children. The ending of the first draft left me in this marriage. So I put the book away, I put myself in therapy, and once I had garnered the courage I needed, I left my marriage. Then I spent another year rewriting it and giving it the ending it deserved.
Where did you get the idea from?
I have always written out of a need to examine my trauma and childhood experiences. In this book, I was trying to understand exactly what it was that kept me in my marriage even though I had not had sex with my husband for over ten years. I needed to understand how my ideas about sex and relationships came to be that I was willing to stay with a man who started out loving me but continued to deride me verbally, often in front of our kids. The book laid it all out for me, and once it was on paper, I had to make some very hard decisions about my life and the life I was exposing my children to.
Were there any parts of the book where you struggled?
In writing memoir, I think the hardest part for women is writing about their children. Specifically, how their children are impacted by their choices. It was very painful for me to write about them, to see how much of my trauma kept me tied to a marriage that was exposing them to paternal rages, marital fights, and anger.
What came easily?
Writing always comes easily for me. Sitting down in front of a computer and letting my thoughts and words out in drafts is the best kind of medicine for any person. Writing is therapy.
Are your characters entirely fictitious or have you borrowed from real world people you know?
As this book is a memoir, my characters are all real and from my life. I did change some names or used nicknames to allow for some anonymity and comfort from the topics that I covered. My goal was not to expose people – it was to expose generational trauma and how one’s sexuality – especially for women – is dependent on their mothers and how they viewed sex.
We all know how important it is for writers to read. Are there any particular authors that have influenced how you write and, if so, how have they influenced you?
I am a literature and women’s studies professor, so I am heavily influenced by feminist writers –especially female writers during the Victorian Era. Emily Dickinson taught me about fighting against norms, Charlotte Perkins Gilman taught me about exposing institutional sexism, including the patriarchal tenets of the nuclear family, and Kate Chopin grounded me in female sexuality and how it is used by patriarchy to control and diminish power in women.
Do you have a target reader?
I don’t have control over who reads my work, so when people ask about my audience, my answer is that I don’t have one. I don’t want to limit my work to a specific group of people. I hope that women read my work because they want to know more about the universality of women’s attitudes toward sex and femininity and how patriarchy contributes to it. I hope women with PTSD find their trauma in my work and feel less alone, less isolated in their pain. I want young women between the ages of 17 and 28 to read my work and be inspired by it, learn from it, and use it as a model for female agency in the same way I used my female heroines from the past to inspire and teach me about what it means to be a woman in my light, not in the dark shadows of society. I also hope men read my work so they can understand what it means to be a woman who walks in a life and society that privileges men and their wants, needs, and potential.
About Writing
Do you have a writing process? If so can you please describe it?
I love titles, so I come up with book titles first – centered on a theme about some women’s issue I want to attack and explore. Then I make a list of chapter titles centered on sub-themes of sub-topics within the major idea I had. Then I make sure to join my daily Zoom meeting so I can write for a solid two hours a day. If I don’t make my meetings, I generally don’t write, so making time for them is crucial for my writing practice and consistency. Then I spend a lot of time editing, revising, editing, and getting beta readers to read my work and advise me.
Do you outline? If so, do you do so extensively or just chapter headings and a couple of sentences?
I am a pantser, so I do not outline. I do begin with titles of chapters and then include a few sentences as to what I want to cover in that chapter – but what I end up writing is always different. I see images and people in my head, and I let them decide how the story is going to go. They have good instincts and often overpower me.
Do you edit as you go or wait until you’ve finished?
I make it a rule just to write – the goal is to get words down. Then I will begin editing once I am at the end of my book. If I edit as I write, then I will never finish the first draft.
Did you hire a professional editor?
All my work has been published by a small press that includes editors, but I just finished a novel that I hope to self-publish on Amazon. For that, I will hire an editor just to make sure my work is polished. Having a second pair of eyes on my work is always beneficial.
Do you listen to music while you write? If yes, what gets the fingers tapping?
I do! I always listen to classical piano music when I write and when I grade. I love music in general, but when I write, I need instrumental music to calm me.
About Publishing
Did you submit your work to Agents?
I spent over fifteen years of my writing career submitting to agents and editors; I had three agents altogether during that time, and although I had close calls, nothing came of it. Agents often insisted I put my work away and write something flashy or trendy, and I am just not that kind of writer. Everyone is always going to have different advice, and if writers listen to all the advice out there, then they are not writing from the heart. They are only writing for publication or for agents who have very selective taste. I refuse to do that. I have to write what I want, when I want it.
What made you decide to go Indie, whether self-publishing or with an indie publisher? Was it a particular event or a gradual process?
In 2018, I had a book I was shopping with many close calls for publication because it was a memoir about my life and how it coincided with the lives of Bronte and Jane Eyre. The agents and editors all had very different ideas about how to revise it, and so I gave up on them. Then, out of the blue, I received an email from Black Rose Writing, an indie publisher from Texas who wanted to publish it. I took a chance, and now I cannot go back to the traditional route. There is too much competition, too much waiting, too much time wasted on queries and book proposals that go unanswered or unread. I don’t want to spend all my time trying to create a platform on social media or hustling for readers and fans and email subscribers. I want to write. Indie publishers take the reins on the minutiae involved with publishing, and I get to do what I love.
Did you get your book cover professionally done or did you do it yourself?
Oh, no. The publishers do that. I am grateful for the creatives they hire to come up with artwork for my book, and I am happy not to have to do anything with that.
Do you have a marketing plan for the book or are you just winging it?
I hired Book Sparks, a PR company to do all the marketing for me for Unsexed. But I do post images of my work and blurbs or reviews on social media. But only when I have time and energy to do it. For my previous work, I hustled on my own and got book store venues to carry my books.
Any advice that you would like to give to other newbies considering becoming Indie authors?
Do it. There are some great ones out there – some hybrid and many free. It’s very liberating for writers because really, we just want to write. They do the work we just don’t want to do, which very often take us away from writing.
About You
Where did you grow up? Where do you live now?
I was born in Athens, Greece, but moved to New York when I was adopted at the age of eight. I now live in North Carolina where my children attend school, but once they graduate, I hope to move to California.
What would you like readers to know about you?
That I love writing, and that I write for them – for those of us who have had estranged parents, neglectful childhoods, narcissistic spouses, and trauma inscribed on our bodies. I want them to know that they can use me as a model because I tell the truth. I tell it raw, hard, and real, but I also show that everything and everyone can be overcome. My work shows that as hard as my life has been, I still rise – in the words of the incomparable Maya Angelou. And they can, too.
What are you working on now?
Thanks for asking! I am editing my next book, As You Lay Dying, about a woman who visits her estranged mother in the hospital. The mother was hard and cold, and now that she is in a coma, the woman sits beside her and tells her all that she has overcome in having her as a mother. It’s fiction, but it’s also based on my relationship with my adoptive mother.
End of Interview:
For more from Marina DelVecchio visit her website and follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.