As I searched for books about grief and loss from a male perspective, I did not find many. So as both a way to help other men not feel so alone and a way for me to heal, I decided to write down the experience.
Jarie Bolander – 5 September 2023
The Back Flap
Modern society has a warped sense of the partner-caregiver role, especially for men. Too often, men are ill equipped to handle switching from provider to caregiver, and the “just suck it up” advice so many offer up falls as flat as the Kansas prairie in the face of the reality of life and death.
Ride or Die takes its audience through the intimate conversations and thoughts of a Gen-X latchkey-generation husband—a man who has always had to fend for himself and believed that it’s up to him to solve his own problems—as and after his wife, Jane, succumbs to a terminal disease.
Jarie Bolander wrote this raw, heartfelt tribute to Jane and her handling of her illness to help men and the people who love them through the experience of loss and grief. A frank chronicle of how an intimate relationship can change and grow—even when the people involved feel there is nothing left to give—Ride or Die offers a detailed exploration of the male experience of grief, in the hopes that others suffering through it will not feel so alone.
About the book
What is the book about?
The book is about the relationship between my wife Jane and me as we deal with her leukemia diagnosis, treatment, and her death.
When did you start writing the book?
April 3rd, 2017. That was the day Jane died. The first scene I wrote was the week leading up to her death. I was compelled to put the raw emotions on paper so I would not forget.
How long did it take you to write it?
About 5 years, off and on. The first complete draft I did during NANOWRIMO in October 2017.
Where did you get the idea from?
Jane’s illness and death made me feel alone and sad. As I searched for books about grief and loss from a male perspective, I did not find many. So as both a way to help other men not feel so alone and a way for me to heal, I decided to write down the experience.
Were there any parts of the book where you struggled?
The whole book was a struggle, not in the sense of writing it but in the sense of experiencing the trauma of the events repeatedly. Now that might seem like needless suffering to some but as I experienced the memories of those events, I would feel a little better. Not at first but over time, the sting got a little less.
It also allowed me to process the feelings and remember the fun times we had.
What came easily?
The writing of the scenes where Jane and I talked to each other. I could hear her voice in my head. It also helped me remember how much I loved her and why she was so special.
Are your characters entirely fictitious or have you borrowed from real world people you know?
All the characters are real. Some are a combination of many different ones, but all are based on real people.
We all know how important it is for writers to read. Are there any particular authors that have influenced how you write and, if so, how have they influenced you?
Joan Didion, Hunter S. Thompson, Steven Pressfield, Anthony Bourdain, Augusten Burroughs, Allen de Botton, and Robert B. Parker.
Do you have a target reader?
Two main targets.
First, men who have lost a spouse.
Second, people who know men who have lost a spouse.
About Writing
Do you have a writing process? If so can you please describe it?
I’m a Plotter since that lends itself nicely to my engineering nature. I love planning out my writing and then getting it done as fast as possible. I’m a big believer in having a crappy draft 0 to get all the thoughts rattling around in my head on the page.
For me, the art of editing is where the magic happens, so I actually love editing my raw writing to craft the narrative I want.
Do you outline? If so, do you do so extensively or just chapter headings and a couple of sentences?
I use a spreadsheet outline that allows me to check off my progress and gives me writing prompts for each chapter. I love this because I also keep track of word count and an assortment of other things.
For some, this seems like overkill, but I love the structure and the fact that I can see progress. I even sometimes plot my progress on a graph.
Do you edit as you go or wait until you’ve finished?
I wait to edit after I have the raw words down on the page. I don’t like to break my flow since my stream of consciousness, for me, is where my writing magic happens.
I will edit a chapter after it’s all down before going on to the next chapter but that’s only to make sure I have everything I need for it.
Did you hire a professional editor?
Yes. Editors are super important to my process. I need someone to tell me what’s wrong and then tell me how to fix it. The editor-writer relationship is one of my more precious and I feel the secret to great writing.
The trick is to find a great editor that understands your writing style and is honest with you.
I have tried to have friends give me edits and comments but that’s usually not as valuable. They all mean well but I feel that you need to pay a professional editor to make your work as best it can be. It’s worth every cent.
Do you listen to music while you write? If yes, what gets the fingers tapping?
I listen to café music that’s calm and relaxing for most of my writing sessions. Sometimes, I’ll listen to heavy metal if I want to feel aggressive and get that emotion into the work.
About Publishing
Did you submit your work to Agents?
No. I find the agent process broken and restricting. It’s unfathomable to me that it will take someone weeks upon weeks to decide.
I did try to get an agent for my memoir but found it disheartening and not a process I want to be involved with. I like to control my own destiny and the least amount of folks that are involved, the better.
What made you decide to go Indie, whether self-publishing or with an indie publisher? Was it a particular event or a gradual process?
My memoir mentor and editor, Brooke Warner, is part of SparkPress. I loved working with her and wanted to work with her again for publishing. I also love their business model and every author I talked to about them had a great experience.
Did you get your book cover professionally done or did you do it yourself?
My book cover was done professionally via SparkPress. They did a fantastic job. I’m so happy with it. It captures what I wanted people to feel when they see the cover and reflects the overall vibe of the book.
Do you have a marketing plan for the book or are you just winging it?
I have a detailed marketing plan since my day job is to do marketing strategy for b2b companies. This experience has taught me that you must have a plan and a team, which I do have in BookSparks.
My feeling is half the battle is writing the book and the other half is getting folks to read it. The amount of time and money you spend promoting your book should be equal to or greater than the amount of time and money you spend creating it. To most writers, that’s scary but nowadays, it’s all about platform and audience. A quality book is table stakes but not the differentiator anymore.
Any advice that you would like to give to other newbies considering becoming Indie authors?
Build your author platform first. Find like-minded folks that will want to read your stuff. Interact with them so you can build community. Figure out what they want to read and/or what you can provide resonates. Give that to them and see where it goes.
The biggest mistake I made starting out was writing what I wanted to read instead of what readers wanted to read. It is important to write what you like to read but the trick is to figure out how that aligns with what folks want to read.
Most think this is selling out but it’s not. It’s about meeting the needs of the market, which if you want people to read your stuff, you must do.
Of course, there are exceptions once you are established but starting out, figure out what people want to read and give them that.
About You
Where did you grow up?
Belmont, CA, which is midway between San Francisco and San Jose. Basically, Silicon Valley.
Where do you live now?
San Francisco, CA
What would you like readers to know about you?
I love coffee. Espresso in fact is my only (well one of my) vices. I’m also a blue belt in BJJ.
What are you working on now?
I’m working on a series called Story-Driven Startups, which are short books on practical tasks that founders need to get done when they are running their startup. I have done two so far and have two more in the works.
End of Interview:
For more from Jarie Bolander, visit his website and follow him on Instagram and Twitter.
The idea that there are few books or tools for men who have lost someone is true. I wrote about my son’s death as a catharsis, because I had problems with the emotional approach in the grief group – very little analytical or practical advice there often. I did use the experience in a rough manuscript. It will be the second in my series. What I learned from experiencing the grief seemed to read well in the draft. Continued success my friend. WDE