I have never outlined. I am a stream of consciousness writer; I pry open a portal and let all the nonsense and mess spill out. Eventually, characters, or places, or ideas take shape.
Antonia Deignan – 6 May 2023
The Back Flap
Tuni’s father began sexually abusing her when she was just four years old. Her mother, though aware of the abuse, was a silent witness—one either incapable or unwilling to intervene—and the abuse continued until Tuni was eleven. Three years later, when Tuni was fourteen, she was raped by an adult actor who was part of her cast in a professional theater production. These traumas would go on to shape much of her life.
Underwater Daughter follows how Tuni grappled with her relationship with her parents, the aftermath of her rape, an eating disorder, drug and alcohol excesses, and shame as she came of age and began to build a life. In order to not lose her inner innocence, in order to protect herself, in order to believe in love, she began early on to create imaginary worlds into which she could escape—to use dreams to transport her away from her fears. By early adulthood, she was well practiced at slapping lipstick (pink, frosty, kiss-me, gloss-over, perfect lipstick) over whatever darkness might be bubbling beneath. Hired by a dance company right out of high school, she found success as a dancer in Chicago and New York, but in her personal and emotional life, she continued to struggle. Ultimately, it took her decades of dancing, hiding, faking, fucking, costuming, implanting, dissociating, marrying, divorcing, and purging—all while staying silent about her past trauma—before a bike accident at age fifty-five forced her to stop and truly take stock of her life. As she did, she came to a resting place, finally, in regard to her father; developed the loving relationship she’d always wanted with her mother; and came to understand that, in the end, love is all anyone wants—or needs.
About the book
What is the book about?
In Underwater Daughter I reveal the experience of being sexually mistreated during my childhood by my father, and the trauma of being raped at age fourteen by a man I knew. While stumbling through my twenties I battle eating disorders, substance abuse and reckless, sexually motivated behaviors. Moving into my thirties I realize how dance had become my spiritual guide, and I continued then to hunt my body’s wisdoms, transforming them into teachings of love and forgiveness.
When did you start writing the book?
Because of a bike accident in 2018, I started writing as a practice, as a tool that helped me during my recovery. By the summer of 2019 I was invited into a writing circle and by the fall of 2020 I attended a writer’s conference submitting portions of what I had written over those past two years. At that point, my writing had become a non-negotiable daily, healing necessity. From there, I formed a manuscript Laura Ingalls style, and laid everything out on the floor, rearranging, cutting, and pasting until I had what I thought could pass as a memoir, and I submitted it to a couple of places in January of 2021.
How long did it take you to write it?
I could say three years. But, after submitting my manuscript and then signing a contract, there were thousands of re-writes, expanding and subtracting, more rearranging, that occurred over that following year before my memoir even saw a copyeditor, which of course, led to additional and incredible refining. It was over four years before I had a “finished” manuscript.
Where did you get the idea from?
As it’s memoir, the idea came from me remembering/ reassessing/ readdressing my perspectives on pretty much everything, until ultimately forgiving and redeeming my life!
Were there any parts of the book where you struggled?
Many. I had traumatic experiences that I felt I needed to take apart and examine. At times as I wrote, I would re-live those experiences which was both hard and transformational. Another struggle I had was that I knew my memoir might be difficult for others to read, and that made me uncertain about how much detail was important to share.
What came easily?
The love. My love of the landscape, the place I call home
(Martha’s Vineyard), my learned love of forgiveness, and the ways in which I celebrate and honor my physical body’s knowledge – a source that continues to reveal wisdom.
Are your characters entirely fictitious or have you borrowed from real world people you know?
Except for dream sequences, none of the characters are fictitious. A few identifying details are changed in order to protect a couple of individual’s privacy.
We all know how important it is for writers to read. Are there any particular authors that have influenced how you write and, if so, how have they influenced you?
Lidia Yuknavitch, Ocean Vuong, Anthony Doerr, Mary Oliver, Cormac McCarthy, Geraldine Brooks, Toni Morrison, Colson Whitehead, Melissa Febos, Louise Erdich, N. Scott Momaday, Joy Harjo, Dr. Maya Angelou, Audre Lorde, Abraham Verghese, Arundhati Roy – I guess if an author feels authentic, reads viscerally true, then I am hooked. I also admire writers who employ rhythms into their prose, as though they are sweeping me up into a story that moves, that dances. I think witnessing that kind of structure in the writing of others, is reaffirming to me, as I think of myself as someone who choreographs her words.
Do you have a target reader?
I believe survivors of sexual abuse, and women in general are my target reader as far as who could place themselves directly into my story. However, the issues are important enough obviously that in my opinion, anyone could benefit from trying to understand the long-lasting effects of sexual abuse and the impact family systems have on their family members.
About Writing
Do you have a writing process? If so can you please describe it?
When it’s time to write, I can do it anywhere. However, I do love writing first thing in the morning – brush teeth, coffee, write. And I’ll usually go until a natural pause hits, which can happen a few hours later or in under thirty minutes. I always feel chuffed if I have a second sit down later in the day, especially since often, my brain turns to mush at night. So nighttime writing is a blessing!
Do you outline? If so, do you do so extensively or just chapter headings and a couple of sentences?
I have never outlined. I am a stream of consciousness writer; I pry open a portal and let all the nonsense and mess spill out. Eventually, characters, or places, or ideas take shape.
Do you edit as you go or wait until you’ve finished?
Kind of both. I try to write as much as possible without editing, but I LOVE editing.
Did you hire a professional editor
While I didn’t hire my editor because I am being published by a hybrid publisher, I want to answer this because, my editor was phenomenal and the experience of editing my manuscript with her was one I will never forget. The collaborative and creative dialogue we had made my manuscript infinitely more professional.
Do you listen to music while you write? If yes, what gets the fingers tapping?
I love listening to music when I write, and I love every genre.
About Publishing
Did you submit your work to Agents?
No.
What made you decide to go Indie, whether self-publishing or with an indie publisher? Was it a particular event or a gradual process?
I had heard about She Writes Press and liked that they fell in between the traditional track of publishing and self-publishing regarding distribution and author agency.
It was a blind faith shot in the dark.
Did you get your book cover professionally done or did you do it yourself?
Wonderful story. I was a student and performer at the Children’s Theater School in Minneapolis, from the age of eleven through fifteen. During that time the artist Steven Rydberg was doing the promotional art for their mainstage theatrical productions, and I became obsessed with his artwork. Fast forward forty-five years, after I had signed my publishing contract, I cold called-messaged him on Facebook and asked if he would ever be interested in doing a book cover. The rest of the story unfolded like a dream.
Do you have a marketing plan for the book or are you just winging it?
Aside from hiring a publicist, I am learning as I go. It’s a different skill set and I am trying to embrace it best I can.
Any advice that you would like to give to other newbies considering becoming Indie authors?
- I think you need to truly know what success looks like for you. Because there are many things you will be expected to do in the process of publishing ( which is hopefully your passion, your art) that might not align with those goals, so remembering why you are doing it, remembering what success looks like to you, is helpful.
- Start your “author platform” well in advance if you can. I think suddenly promoting a project in a big way rings insincere, starting early means you can take more time to build relationships.
- Reach out and develop a community of writing colleagues. Sharing experiences and ideas, successes, and failures, as well as writing styles and techniques is healthy, it feels good to connect with others, and you will develop meaningful relationships while pursuing something you love.
About You
Where did you grow up?
I grew up in Minneapolis, MN & Chicago IL
Where do you live now?
I split time in between Indianapolis IN and Martha’s Vineyard MA.
What would you like readers to know about you?
I love Cheetos, Champagne, Pizza, and every variety of gummies.
What are you working on now?
I am working on a novel. A love story. And I am thrilled to be writing about imagined characters, not my own story 😉 – phew. Yes. A love story.
End of Interview:
For more from Antonia Deignan visit her website, and follow her on Twitter and Instagram.
Get your copy of Underwater Daughter from Amazon US or Amazon UK.