I knew that my book was relatable, and so I made the terrifying decision to unleash my dirty laundry into the world. 

Hayley Kaplan, LCSW – 30 September 2022

The Back Flap

Licensed counselor by day and recovering codependent by night…This candid memoir offers a rare insight into the messy, imperfect journey of healing oneself to find true love.

For their seventh wedding anniversary, Hayley Kaplan bought her husband a customized back scratcher as a joke. The inscription read, “For that seven-year itch.” Except she was the one who began an unexpected and torturous affair later that year.

Torn between a marriage to a good man and someone whom she considered to be her “soul mate,” her strong attachment to two very different men led Kaplan to seek professional help.

In the therapist’s office, she came to the startling realization that she was trying to fill an emotional void that seemingly had no bottom. It was only by looking inward for love that she could truly find her happily ever after.

With deep honesty and sensitivity, Kaplan examines love addiction and codependency from an insider’s perspective. Her memoir is aimed at helping others navigate their own path of healing and recovery to develop self-love and self-assurance.

About the book

What is the book about?

The book is about self-love. What is it? And how to have it. The book is a self-help memoir that follows my personal recovery journey, and it is specifically dedicated to all the love-chasers, people-pleasers, self-loathers, abuse-takers, and anyone else who would rather be “loved” than respected.

When did you start writing the book?

I began writing this story in 2012 (after taking a sledgehammer to my life). I’d been married for seven years when I decided to participate in an extra-marital affair with a married man. When that didn’t work out, I found myself alone and desperate. That’s when my baggage emerged and begged to be unpacked.

How long did it take you to write it?

Ten, long years.

Where did you get the idea from?

As I navigated my way through separation, dating, and eventually divorce, I uncovered many gems of wisdom. When I began my counseling career, I was able to use those gems of wisdom to help my clients. I knew that my book was relatable, and so I made the terrifying decision to unleash my dirty laundry into the world.

Were there any parts of the book where you struggled?

Delving into my childhood and exploring my core beliefs about myself was both freeing and excruciating. Retelling meant reliving, and so much of my past I had chosen to forget. But as a counselor, I know that denial and repression are not the healthiest options. If I wanted to heal, I had to get real with myself, and that is the foundation of the entire book. We repeat what we do not repair, and so I made the decision to repair myself and then use myself as a “How to” example for others to follow.

What came easily?

The earliest chapters came more easily because this book began as more of a catharsis. I’d left my husband only to have my boyfriend dump me. I was lost and confused and in search of an outlet. Writing gave me that release, and the words just poured right out of me.

Are your characters entirely fictitious or have you borrowed from real world people you know?

I changed the names of all the characters in the story, but they are 100% non-fiction.

We all know how important it is for writers to read. Are there any particular authors that have influenced how you write and, if so, how have they influenced you?

I am a lover of the self-help genre, and as a counselor, I am constantly reading something new. I rarely read the same author twice because I’m more about the subject matter, but there are several life altering books on my shelf. Codependent No More, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, and Attached – just to name a few.

Do you have a target reader?

Yes, anyone who struggles with low self-esteem and/or toxic relationship patterns.

About Writing

Do you have a writing process? If so can you please describe it?

This book unfolded as my life unfolded, but I generally do not have a writing process. One of my favorite things in life is a blank sheet of paper. That’s still true even when I’m in the middle of writing a story. I clear my mind, begin to type, and allow the characters to surprise me.

Do you outline? If so, do you do so extensively or just chapter headings and a couple of sentences?

When inspiration hits me, I’ll write my idea down, and find a home for it later. That’s as far as any formal planning goes for me.

Do you edit as you go or wait until you’ve finished?

I wait until I’ve finished to edit. Although, I may change some of the words as I go along. Words are like ingredients. Each one is vital to the overall flavor, and so I tend to get stuck when I know that a specific word is not the best fit. There have been times when I can’t move on until I find just the right word.

Did you hire a professional editor?

Yes.

Do you listen to music while you write? If yes, what gets the fingers tapping?

When I’m writing, I prefer absolute silence, but when I’m editing, I will sometimes listen to smooth jazz or inspirational music.

About Publishing

Did you submit your work to Agents?

A few.

What made you decide to go Indie, whether self-publishing or with an indie publisher? Was it a particular event or a gradual process?

Several hybrid publishers offered to partner with me, but I ultimately opted to self-publish so that I could retain 100% ownership and executive rights.

Did you get your book cover professionally done or did you do it yourself?

I came up with the concept, but I hired a professional designer to implement it.

Do you have a marketing plan for the book or are you just winging it?

I am winging it currently, which is not a good strategy for a woman stuck in the 1980s. I have recently created several social media accounts, and I’m learning as I go. I’ll be better prepared next time.

Any advice that you would like to give to other newbies considering becoming Indie authors?

I’m still a newbie myself, and so I’ll have to let you know.

About You

Where did you grow up?

My childhood was split between two states – Florida and Minnesota. Holy whiplash. Those are two very different places to grow up. But I’d like to think that it made me the well-rounded person that I am today.

Where do you live now?

I live in North Carolina with my partner and his two daughters.

What are you working on now?

I’m working on something less personal, more clinical. Throughout my counseling work, I have noticed patterns of behavior that keep people stuck in their misery. I aim to share some of those patterns, as well as things that we can to mitigate our suffering.

End of Interview:

Get your copy of You Can’t Complete Me But I Can! from Amazon US or Amazon UK.